I’d be lying if I told you
that I didn’t think of him
or her
and you, every day I think of you
and think of ways I could have
done you better
been more smarter
acted more wiser
but I didn’t
and I wasn’t
and that was one acting lesson
I never really learned
sometimes I look at the wall
and briefly
see a vision
an outline, a profile
a grainy dreamlike image
of a scrambled face
adolescent steps
words in sounds of foreign tongues
of which I won’t ever understand
because
I won’t ever know them
there is one thing that is not dreamlike
because
it was not a dream
it was real
and not even the raindrops
could wash away the air of your tears
or rearrange my sight
[of you leaving the room]
broken and torn
your soul reaching out
to my soulless body
I’m a soulless body
would you believe me if I told you
I was [am]
as helpless as you
I could find no tongue
I could find no speech
no ability to sound
any word, nor phrase, no nothing
I only knew how to drive
drive you back home
while the earth cried for you
and the sky [over]cast its veil—
maybe I mustered a word
only at the end
and when you left
I went driving
off the deep end
[aphasia]
I am ugly
I did ugly
I will always be ugly
I am a scar
I scar
I have scarred [you]
I [you] will have this ugly scar
[permanent]
I am sorry
forever be I will sorry always be forever