he first night you came to me with open arms
and endless pockets, a hope of the year to come—
but I sobered up quickly and left you alone
for as long as I could, revisiting you on
a special occasion or two
You stayed with me like a prolonged summer,
a summer I longed for and then wished
I could be done with
the rainy days in my head confused
with what it was feeling on the outside
I wore you on my sleeve and in my face
exposed you, concealed you
labeled you, put you in a box
to some avail, mostly not
disappointed hopes like the battery on low
This landscape was supposed to be smoother
not as rough to the touch, less dirt in the nails
less brutal to my shoulders, tension relief
instead your steps slid sinking
each day a regathering—falling down, getting up
Each day telling myself, “it’s going to get better”
Each day reminding myself, “today is not yesterday”
Each day slapping myself, “It starts with being kinder”
Each day awakening, “You’ve slept a little longer”
Each day ending with, “There’s more room for growth”
The timing might be different, but the outlook is the same
two hands for clutching, two hands for seizing
the moment and reframing the oyster
to the image in your head that you’ve dreamt
of manifesting
You are not as heavy of a thought as I’ve made you
in my mind—not as cumbersome
you require a lot of time, ironically
but you are not the indefatigable asshole
that I used to make you, still sometimes make you
One day you won’t be the omnipresent enemy
you’ll be a friendly reminder—a Seattle day
full of rain and then sunshine, sunshine and rain
I’ll learn to love you in all of your forms
that I’ll be happy to see you when I’m passing away