I have been a negative person for a long, long time. That’s not to say I was never positive, it’s just a fact that I often would resort back to negativity if I had the chance. You know what else? I’ve been depressed for a long time, too. I’ve been very unhappy. And now that I’m on this subject of trying to be completely honest and coming clean with myself and you all, I’ve been very lonely, too. Not just physically, but mentally. In one way or another I have been utterly and completely lonely in the mind and this has led to very rough patches of being completely resentful and entirely untrusting of anybody and everybody that has come into my life.
I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Being hateful and resentful, and untrusting of so many things in my daily life has been nothing but a burden on me and everyone around me and, beyond having a heart to heart with myself, I’m sorry to all of you. I want to apologize to each and every one of you that I have wronged, or disrespected, whether it has been verbal or non-verbal, whether it has been in your company or by myself.
I’m coming to realize that choosing to be happy, or maybe better said—choosing to be positive, is not only a choice, but a state of mind that one has full and complete control over. I have been perfectly content these past several years to adopt an utterly pathetic mind state of “woe is me” and “I’m the one being wronged”, when, in reality, I have been doing the wrong. I have been the one at error. It has developed and festered for too long and ultimately morphed into a sickness that I never thought I could escape, but recently I have become more aware of, and for the first time in a long time, I have realized I have to change and get rid of. I know that right now, if I continued on the same path, I would carry out this one life I have to live as a very unhappy and negative person and that is literally the last thing I want to do. In the same way that positive energy is both 1000 percent more pleasant to be around and incredibly contagious, so is the reverse, a negative attitude. I’m sorry that I’ve adopted and spread this wave of negativity because it has been nothing but a dark cloud hovering over me and seeping into my day to day.
So I want to say something to all of you…
I will work on only spreading positivity.
I will work on being as supportive as I possibly can be whenever I’m around all of you.
I promise to try and not hold grudges and to not be resentful and if I have a problem that’s nagging me or getting on my nerves, I promise to tell you about it in order to set me and you free of any bad energy or ill will that stands between us.
I promise to try and be as inclusive as possible. To try to spur conversation and get everyone involved.
There are so many more promises I wish to make. There are so many things I wish to change and, truthfully…for the better.
I have had a lot of anger in my heart. I have had a lot of hate in my heart. A lot of frustration, too. I don’t wish to be bogged down by this forever.
Please, please, help to keep me in check. Please don’t take this as some fake sort of determination that I wish to advertise to you all and put up as a veil to disguise how I really feel. I just want to be finally be free. To be genuine and authentic.
Please help me stay on the right path. I know that it takes a village and my sincere hope is to keep all of the positivity out there alive and well.
I’ve made so many mistakes and made some of these same mistakes twice. I have spent too long not having learned from them. Forgive me, I will try to improve on what I have done wrong. I was a shitty kid for a long, long time. An irritable, annoying, selfish, self-centered, bratty, spoiled kid. I will try with all of the power I have to make sure I am not the same as an adult and from here on out.
I love you all so much.
Now let’s do this…